Our Home Study Begins...

Thanks to my husband's persistence, after the six month delay, our home study began on Friday. It felt like an early Christmas present being able to feel like we are moving forward again. Needless to say, I was more than a little nervous - feeling like I was to blame for the initial delay - plus the BC snow "storm" and our needing to drive in it that day did not help my nerves either. However, even if he had to push me in a sleigh, there was no way my husband was not making that first appointment. I joked before we left that we will be able to tell our children we had to travel through sleet, snow and ice in our journey to "get them."

A nervous wreck traveling on the highway, I had to remind myself of two things: 1) it was highly unlikely we would end up in the ditch and 2) our social worker's task is to work with us to grow our family rather than, as I had begun to feel in the last few months, find reasons not to let us adopt. We were both pretty quiet on the trip in.

I'm not sure what I expected from the first meeting. In all honesty, it was pretty anti-climatic. All we really did is meet our new adoption worker and review, for the third time, what I call the child "shopping list." For those unfamiliar with the process, it is literally a checklist of what we are and are not looking for in our children - every single medical condition, disability, risk factor, ethnic background, etc. It is a long list. In our last meeting with the intake worker, I had joked that they could put this on-line and we would be able to "add to basket" the challenges, disabilities, ethnic and religious backgrounds we are looking for. I think my husband is pretty convinced this joke might be responsible for our delay. It goes without saying, I did not make this joke this time around. As the worker closed with "Do you have any more questions?" I was very impressed with both of us for biting our tongues and not asking "So, when are we going to get our kids?"

In our post-interview "debrief" on the drive home, I commented to my husband that I was glad to be working with this particular worker, she seemed very nice and accommodating but I did not think she would  "get" my sense of humour. Without skipping a beat, he responded with a "nope" and then followed that up with: "No jokes. Whatever you do, fight every instinct you have." What I have done is started a private collection of letters to "our" children that I will be able to share with them when they are adults - just as I have done with our son. This is where I will "hide" all my jokes for this part of the journey because, certainly, by the time they reach adulthood, all our kids will "get" my sense of humour.

The "Expectant" Family at Christmas...

Like many families, we love Christmas around here. We take the day to decorate the tree and the house, watch cheesy Christmas movies (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation now that our son is a tween) and just enjoy being a family. Like a typical female, I love the Christmas shopping. And as the lone female in the house, this activity can be pretty lonely. It's not about getting "stuff" but just about finding things - regardless of the cost - that will make my loved ones smile. I take particular joy in the stocking stuffers - trying to keep within a budget but move beyond the standard toiletries and socks. Every year since he was born, our son has received an ornament which represents something which was important to him in

the past year - whether that be a family vacation, an accomplishment or something he was "crazy" about. My goal has always been that, when he has his own family, he will have these ornaments and these memories to share with them.

As we sit in limbo waiting for our home study, it is hard not think about our "kids." When you are pregnant at Christmas, you think about the new little person who will be joining your family next year and how different your Christmas will be. With adoption, what dawned on me as I was Christmas shopping, is that our "little person" or "persons" are already out there - somewhere - about to celebrate Christmas. It is a strange feeling to realize that "our" children are already celebrating Christmases and will, hopefully, be hanging stockings, visiting Santa and exchanging presents with their current family. Will they have their own special ornaments? Is their Christmas a special time or a lonely time? As sad as I am not to share this Christmas with "our"children, I hope and pray that their Christmas is special.

So, as I wander around the shops, it is hard not to wonder what our family will look like next year. Will I be buying one special ornament or two, three, four?  Will I still be the lone female shopper or will I have one or two "helpers"? 

Is The Burner Even On?

When I told MCFD at the end of August that we would be unable to work with an adoption worker who required that all home study appointments be concluded by 4:30pm weekdays, I knew we would be: a) in the dog house and b) put on the back burner. When we received an email from the intake coordinator telling us that "further options would need to be discussed with the supervisor next week," I knew for sure that we were no longer considered "top priority." We resigned ourselves to the fact that we had been officially put on the back burner.

It is now three weeks later and we have not had any further communication from MCFD letting us know if "further options" have even been discussed. Like my ObGyn was saying to me nearly two years ago "tick tock goes the clock..." and this leads me to wonder, "Is the burner even on?" Or have we just been shoved to the back and left to get cold? The image I picture of our application is of gravy, once warm and smelling delicious, - the perfect topper to a delicious meal - turning into a congealed lump of pasty looking fat. It was coming along very nicely, almost ready to go but it just sat on the back burner, growing cold while all the other dishes were served and enjoyed and, at the end of the meal, someone says "oops! well... that's a shame, forgot about it" and tosses it out.

Since the tone of the last email was, pretty much, "don't call us, we'll call you" it might be time for us to explore other options... because, tick tock goes the clock, we are not getting any younger... and I am not really interested in being a card carrying member of CARP with kids still in K-12... and would prefer not to use my CPP to pay for a child's college tuition.

And, because they say "a watched pot never boils," we continue on with our lives as a family of three, going to hockey and soccer games, being involved in our community, making vacation plans... but still wondering what our family will look like this time next year.

The Family the Home study Forgot About...

I also debated about entitling this post "Are you there, Ministry? It's Me..."

When our AEP ended at the end of June, we had our post AEP interview less than 36 hours later - despite being told that they usually take place "within two weeks." For the second time during the process, our workers  included terms like "top priority," "top of the list," and "completed during the summer." It seems that when you are "crazy" enough to ask for multiple children over the age of two, they want to get you in and out as fast as possible. We joked that they wanted us over and done with before we realized what we were in for so they could wave, while driving away, calling out "No take backs! No take backs!"

To be honest, I think we were both a little panicked at how fast we were moving through all these stages. On paper, what was listed as being a multi-month process was, as we were lead to believe, all going to be completed in about eight weeks. Needless to say, we left that meeting and rushed around preparing for our home study. It made sense to us - and the Ministry as we were told -  that, with my work schedule being free and clear for two months, that our home study would be completed over the summer so we only had to work around my husband's work schedule and all appointments could be conducted during regular business hours. We had been told numerous times that having to hold some evening appointments to work with family's schedules would delay the process. Quick and easy... that's honestly what we thought.


After multiple emails bouncing back with vacation notices over the course of the summer, we began to realize there was going to be nothing quick and easy about this. Our intake call came August 29 - two working days before I returned to full-time teaching with our first appointment scheduled for September 9. When I was told all eight 60 or 90 minute home study appointments needed to be concluded prior to 4:30 pm weekdays, needless to say, I was a little "miffed" and no longer feeling like our family was "a top priority." Now, as I am fully aware that we are dealing with the government who are essentially in control of whether or not we can expand our family through domestic adoption, it becomes even more frustrating because you feel like you have no right to speak up and say, "Wait a minute. This is not at all what you said was going to happen.You can't get our expectations up, then stomp on them and then get annoyed when we speak up."


I am trying to be diplomatic and bite my tongue. I would love to say things like, "I'm pretty sure all workers being unavailable due to vacation was not something that you were unaware of at the end of June when you told us to expect a summer home study." People really don't seem to appreciate having the obvious pointed out to them. Instead, we asked for another worker - one who was flexible and willing to work with us - with some appointments going beyond 4:30 pm - during the school year. Expecting a teacher to take eight half days off at the beginning of the school year is, frankly, ridiculous. My attempt at a "we'd like to move forward with someone a bit more accommodating" was met with a comment about concerns about my availability as a parent if I was unable to take time off from work. Ouch.

Needless to say, we have been moved to the bottom of the list (and who knows how long "the list" is) ... and my now stressed out husband is convinced we will be parked there indefinitely. As for me, I continue to write letters I will never send about how frustrating it is to be mislead and then slapped in the face.

Preparing for the home study...

One of the things that I made note of during the adoption education program was comments made by social workers about the home study - things they ask you about (yes, sex!), things they suggest you have in your home, etc. I mean, basically, a home study is like some sort of in-person exam so the better prepared you are, the better your chances of passing the "test" is, right?

I think anyone who tells you that they are not nervous about the home study is either lying or taking serious amounts of Xanex... and lying. Someone is coming into your home, looking around, interviewing you - and  your kids - and making a decision about your suitability as a parent. How could anyone not find the very idea of being judged - by the government, no less - not stressful?

Looking over my notes made during the AEP, one said "get a rocking chair." One social worker mentioned that she thought every adoptive home should have a rocking chair because the motion of rocking helps with attachment... or something along those lines. So, last weekend, we picked one up. No idea where we will put it but we have one... and it does not look brand new so we will be able to say "Oh... we have had that for YEARS... every home should have one."

I made notes on books which were recommended. So I emailed one of my friends who has already gone through international adoption and asked if she has any books that we can borrow. I told her I wanted to strategically place them all over the house so that we look well read... we would, of course, read them but having them in plain sight makes it a lot easier - and less obvious - than starting each sentence with "According to the author of..." or "In this great book I just read called...." Her email response was: "They will probably ask to use your washroom and then go through your medicine cabinet." My response: "So we should put the books in the medicine cabinet?" The things you learn from other adoptive parents...

During the home study, they will also interview our kidlet. While we would obviously not coach our child on how to answer their questions, we are trying to convey to him that perhaps comments like "I gave you life, I can take it away" or answers of "Help moving" to questions like "Do you know what I want for my 18th birthday?" - taken out of context - might not paint us as the most supportive parents. We can only hope that any social worker will see our kidlet as the humorous ("I will take as many siblings as it takes to get out of all chores") self confident and content individual we have been guiding on his life journey. We are proud of the job we have done as his parents and cannot think of a better testament to our suitability as adoptive parents... and THAT is probably the best prep for any home study.

Now... to hunt down the perfect cleaning lady.

Hitting our first valley...

So, two weeks after our post-AEP appointment where we were told that they wanted to push us through over the summer, we are still waiting to hear from our newly assigned social worker and for the home study to begin.

We are also still waiting for any word on the sibling group we had expressed interest in. We just wanted to know whether these kids had an adoption plan in the works or if they were still looking for a family. With our inquiry being passed on almost overnight, it is hard to sit back and wait weeks for an answer.

It has been just over six months since we first made contact with the ministry and we have hit our first valley. The practical part of me reminds myself that it is summer time and people do take summer holidays which would delay our social worker speaking with the children's social worker. And I also have to remind myself that this process was only started six months ago and, while we have moved through eight of the 17 steps very fast, delays are to be expected. Technically, we are ahead of schedule but still it is frustrating.

As a couple we continue to talk about what life could look like a year from now - especially when we have a lazy day around the house where loading the dishwasher is the major accomplishment for the day - but we do not really speak about how our journey could take up to two or more years to complete and that we will face many peaks and valleys

So while we have completed the adoption education program, it seems that I still need to learn a little patience... and my bouquet of balloons is looking a little deflated tonight.

The Post AEP questionnaire and appointment

At our last class, we were given another questionnaire to complete and forward to the intake coordinator. This one is not about the children we are interested in but about us, our relationship, our childhood and our personalities. Feeling energized following class, we completed the 10 page questionnaire as soon as we got home.

I get nervous about the wording of some questionnaires. I took one once where the questions were about alcohol use, worded in the double negative and none of the options applied to me. I think I answered them with "I do not share my alcohol abuse with my family" because I do not consume alcohol so there is no abuse hence nothing to share with my family. The results were interpreted as I am in denial about my alcohol abuse. So, when I come to questions about my childhood and I tick off one of the choices as "sad", I feel like I have to add to it that  my grandfather with whom I was very close died and I was very sad about it for a long time. But there is no option for additional comments so I fret somewhat that they will think I was depressed as a child or something - which is far from the truth but then to not tick it off and say everything was all sunshine and lollipops they might think I was delusional because I remember that some of the social workers said that they were always weary of applicants whose lives seem perfect. Same thing with the questions about what is the subject of the major disagreements between my husband and myself. We don't have any major disagreements so what the hell am I supposed to say? We have disagreements but not major ones so how do you respond to this? Who knew multiple choice would be so stressful... in the end I come to the conclusion that I need to rethink the final exams I give my students.

Because we are scheduled to leave the province in three days, I sent them over to the intake coordinator the next day. I am hopeful we will hear back about the mandatory post-AEP appointment by the time we return in 10 days. I am FLOORED when I receive an email response in less than five minutes asking us to come in the next day. Having dutifully checked our adoption process schedule flow chart, I knew that generally the follow up appointments are two to three weeks following the end of classes. Here we are within two days.

During the meeting, we review our initial questionnaire regarding the children we are "interested" in having join our family to see if anything has changed. It is checklist of various ethnicities, challenges, disabilities, illnesses, conditions, exposures, blah blah blah which we would be willing to consider. I joke that it is like an online dating application or shopping and that perhaps one day there will be an "add to basket" option. As soon as it comes out of my mouth, I panic a little and immediately remember that, during class, one of the social workers remarked that the adoption team had already begun discussing the prospective adoptive parents during meetings... and my sense of humour is not always "appreciated" and worry that this comment will be added to - what my overactive imagination perceives to be - section in my file marked "inappropriate comments: evidence of insensitivity." I mean, it is the government and that in and of itself is intimidating... not helpful to someone who uses humour to mask nervousness.

All in all, I think the interview went well. I certainly did not see her write "NO" at the top of our file - and I was watching for it - before we left and she DID say that they were interested in moving forward with us as soon as possible knowing that my teaching schedule makes it easier to complete the home study over the summer. She may or may not have said "top of the list" when speaking about scheduling the home study.

Our bouquet of balloons carried us back to our car...

Yippee Skippee! We have finished step 6!

Yay! We are finished Step 6. 50 hours of adoption education. While I feel like I have been able to add some valuable tools to our parenting toolbox, it still seems a little like stockpiling a bunch of tools we are not sure we will need for a project we have still not been given.

On our drive home from each class, we have to remind ourselves that we are being presented with worst case scenarios and that our children will not necessarily have ALL of the challenges we have learned about in the last month. While I worried that I would end this program full of doubt and maybe reconsider our decision to adopt through MCFD, I find that I am eager to move forward and, actually, feel refreshed. After leaving so many classes feeling like I was dragging my popped balloon bouquet behind me, I actually feel like I left the last class with my balloon bouquet fully inflated and a little light on my feet.

While I recognize that we did not make any lifelong friends during our education program - and we have still not joined a church - I am glad to have made some connections within the adoption community and look forward to catching up with these families at AFABC events in the future. We are having a harder time saying good-bye to the social worker who taught the course; we have become attached to her. She laughs at my jokes - surely this is a sign she "gets" us as a couple. Unlike choosing your ObGyn or midwife, we are not able to "shop around" for a social worker but we keep our fingers crossed that we will be able to continue our journey working with this woman who is like a beautiful bouquet of colourful balloons on a sunny day.

We are moving forward cautiously optimistic and even made the first move to forwarding a profile description of a sibling group to our social worker. While we logically understand that it is a long shot, it is hard not to start talking and planning about changes needed to be made to our home and our schedules to welcome new children into our family.

Is this the beginning of our "gestation" period? Only 11 more steps to go until the adoption journey will be complete...

AEP Panelists... The saving grace

We are thankfully more than halfway through the Adoption Education Program. It continues to be a daunting process... while I appreciate that the program's goal is to prepare us for the realities of adopting children who have had challenging starts in life, it would be nice to have at least some focus on the joys and fun involved in being a family. It is challenging to not leave the sessions feeling completely discouraged and somewhat deflated. My balloons remain deflated... like I am trying to fill them back up with helium to get them back in the sky without cluing in that they have large holes in them.

After sessions which include panelists, I leave feeling like these parents pat me on the arm, tell me they too tried to reflate popped balloons and hand me new ones. It is not like I do not understand or appreciate the value in these educational components because I do. But there is nothing like good old practical experience shared with you by humorous people to put everything into perspective.

Unlike the theoretical approach, there is no doom and gloom from the panelists. It is all very matter of fact and all the challenges - of which there are many - seem to be less daunting. All these parents seem to embrace an "It is what it is" approach to parenting children who have challenges. Knowing the children of one of the panelists finally allows me to put a face to some of these kids and makes it slightly less abstract. I know them! I see their challenges but they are great kids! And I leave these sessions thinking... WE CAN totally do this! And it will be great and there will be sunshine and lollipops!

So much better than the days where I leave thinking... there is NO WAY we are cut out for this! Or these kids are totally going hate us and count down the days they can kick us to the curb when they turn 18...

On another note, all the panelists... and I mean ALL OF THEM... mention the support that they receive from their church communities. I wonder if anyone who does not belong to a religious organization adopts through the ministry. And, again, I ask myself if we should be joining a church... there might be something to this.

10 hours of AEP down... and what feels like 400 left to go

Having now completed our first two classes: one three hour evening session and one eight hour day session, I can honestly say that I have turned into a terrible student... and I think I annoy my husband.

I am not exactly sure what I was expecting from an adoption education program but, I have to be honest, it is sort of gloom and doom. Maybe, without realizing it, I expected it to be more like prenatal classes where it is "Yay! We are all growing our family... and there is just a little prep work to do." It decidedly is NOT... more like "Sooo... you want to adopt... well, here is EXACTLY what you are in for..." I would be lying if I did not say it is a little daunting. And listening to someone read from your textbook and watching outdated American videos hardly makes for an engaging learning experience. I learned today that I can doodle and still listen at the same time... and that my husband "poo poos" this sort of classroom behaviour.

Our schoolmates are diverse and I am surprised to see so many prospective adoptive parents who already have their adoptive children in the home taking the course. Those of us who do not have children all seem to be interested in older children as part of sibling groups - hence not having to wait several months to get into the program.There is only one couple out of nearly 20 people who do not currently have children; this was a surprise!

It is interesting to see couples in "school" together - we all seem to have one thing in common - one of us is definitely more vocal than the other. As a high school teacher, it is amusing to see the similarities in interactions of students of all types. As break time rolls around, there are awkward introductions and small talk as people size each other up. Groups quickly form as we break for lunch. Through comments - "we all sat and prayed at the restaurant" - and introductions it is pretty clear that nearly all of the other couples in our class actively participate in a religious organization, and we realize that - aside from all being adoptive parents - we have very little in common with these people. Logically, I know that this is no big deal but as the person going through an evaluation process, I can't help but feel like we "should" make friends or there will be some sort of negative notation in our file. Maybe we should join a church...

An entire day learning about attachment, grief and loss is.... truth be told, hard to describe. Nothing fun or happy or joyous about it. This session was like a mean lady came along and popped all my beautiful balloons which were filled with my ideas about adopting children. A necessary evil is the best way to describe it. At the end of the day, there is a reason these kids are looking for forever families... grief and loss is a part of the package... it is just hard to remember that there will also be days with sunshine and lollipops when you are left holding a handful of burst balloons... at least I hope so.

Heading into Step 6: We got our invite for adoption school!

A great way to end this school week was to receive our invitation to attend the MCFD Adoption Education Program. 50 whole hours of classroom instruction! Wowza... I am not sure what happened to that three day weekend plus online webinars that everyone else has talked about. However, I am super relieved to know that we passed the first interview and only have to wait a month to start the next process.

This will be our first classroom experience as a couple... frankly, how many couples take educational classes together? I have heard many times that teachers make the worse students and this will be my first return to the classroom as the student in about seven years. I will need to prep the hubby for me as a student... perhaps watch the Friends episode where Phoebe and Rachel take a class together focusing on the Monica "I know! I know!" ending... guess which one of these students aligns most closely with my personality.

In terms of homework, if there is any, I had previously told the hubby that, in a couple meeting from which he was absent, it was voted that this responsibility will fall to him. Taking 50 hours of classes at the end of the school year is not the best timing for me but it sure beats waiting until the fall and delaying the process by three or four months.

As someone who now regularly checks the  BC's Waiting Children Bulletin, I find it frustratingly outdated... for an organization wanting to encourage the adoption of children in ministry care, their marketing seems to be sorely lacking. Profiling a child born in 1998 and writing about how he is currently meeting learning outcomes in grade four leads me to believe profiles have been sitting there for a LONG time... perhaps I will bring this to their attention at the first class... I am super sure they will appreciate that feedback from a prospective adoptive parent in the first 45 minutes and we will skyrocket to the top of the list. ;o).

Say that again?

Since my last regular hairdresser used my credit card number to pay for online dating, I have been searching for a new one. I am determined to find one close to home and was excited to see the one right down the street had a screaming deal on highlights and haircut. Surely this was a sign that this would be the one!

When we first started talking openly about adoption, my two friends with adoption experience both warned me that I should prepare myself for some really bizarre comments from both well meaning individuals and those who are just completely oblivious. As I walked into my appointment, I met someone who fell into the latter category.

As we got to the perfunctory question of "Do you have any children?" this was the first time that I answered a stranger with a "Yes, I have one but we are growing our family through adoption." When I responded to the next question of "From where?" with "From BC, through the ministry", the hairdresser actually stopped mid cut, looked at me in the mirror and said "Why in the hell would you do that?" At first I was completely shocked that someone would say that to someone they did not know AND someone they were hoping to acquire as a client. Then, as someone who had just learned that this clearly hard partying hairdresser had three children with three different fathers, I wanted to burst out laughing. It was just too absurd to even acknowledge. I just smiled and said, "Love makes a family." I think she thought I was off my rocker.

The great tragedy here? She gave me a great cut and the highlights were terrific. I am beginning to think it will be easier to adopt children than it will be to find an emotionally stable, affordable and honest stylist... so far, the process of adoption has been faster and less painful.

Road to Parenthood... The Sequel

My tale as a parent began with one line to my doctor: "I'm sorry... say that again?" followed, of course, by an expletive. This first tale could be aptly titled "Dazed and Confused" with the lead player walking around in a state of constant bewilderment over the predicament she landed herself in. However, a happy tale nonetheless with many humourous stories along the way.

Fast forward 13 years and the sequel is an entirely different endeavour. The cast has grown to include an incredibly supportive co-star and a precociously opinionated under age supporting player. Throw into the mix a "not-quite-an-adult" surrogate child - during the hockey season - playing a minor supporting role (but who weighs in nonetheless) and a gazillion family members and it all adds up to a ensemble dramedy. A fitting title for the sequel would be "Kid Fever."

Adoption. It really is an ensemble dramedy. Having spent over a year working solely with one individual to expand our family with three failed attempts, it is like coming out of the dark into the light to shift focus and be able to include people in our plans. It is so refreshing to be able to make concrete plans, to look at a timeline and see ourselves working through our steps (we are at step 6 of 17). Our journey is well on its way and the pay off will be huge... two to four individuals huge! (I imagine we will "compromise" at three). 

As we worked on our story board for this sequel - especially over the last six months - I have to come to really recognize what it is I - as a parent and an individual - am looking for. I want more children. Holding my newborn nephew (and godson... yay!) a few weeks ago as he spat up all over me, and as I gagged from the smell, I had my aha! moment. I don't "suffer" from baby fever... I "suffer" from kid fever. Since I was a teenager, all I wanted was a big family... four kids. When I think back about what I dreamed about, it was not having four babies... it was about having four children. 

Sitting down with our social worker last night, it is surreal to discuss what you are and are not looking for in children. At the same time, we are fortunate to be able to sit down with our supporting player and speak frankly about growing our family and to allow him input as well. At the end of the day, the only real difference between giving birth to a child and adopting a child is the way the gestation period works. So, if our gestation period takes a little longer, involves 17 steps but I can bypass weight gain, heart burn, hemorroids and all the rather yucky physical effects of physically birthing a child... I am really okay with that. And, if you know me at all, you know that is the God's honest truth.

As I watched my girlfriend and her two adopted children on the weekend, I realized that she is too darn busy raising boys to stop and think about how her children arrived in her life. End of the day: Love is what makes a family. How that family comes to be together is really just transportation.