Our Home Study Begins...

Thanks to my husband's persistence, after the six month delay, our home study began on Friday. It felt like an early Christmas present being able to feel like we are moving forward again. Needless to say, I was more than a little nervous - feeling like I was to blame for the initial delay - plus the BC snow "storm" and our needing to drive in it that day did not help my nerves either. However, even if he had to push me in a sleigh, there was no way my husband was not making that first appointment. I joked before we left that we will be able to tell our children we had to travel through sleet, snow and ice in our journey to "get them."

A nervous wreck traveling on the highway, I had to remind myself of two things: 1) it was highly unlikely we would end up in the ditch and 2) our social worker's task is to work with us to grow our family rather than, as I had begun to feel in the last few months, find reasons not to let us adopt. We were both pretty quiet on the trip in.

I'm not sure what I expected from the first meeting. In all honesty, it was pretty anti-climatic. All we really did is meet our new adoption worker and review, for the third time, what I call the child "shopping list." For those unfamiliar with the process, it is literally a checklist of what we are and are not looking for in our children - every single medical condition, disability, risk factor, ethnic background, etc. It is a long list. In our last meeting with the intake worker, I had joked that they could put this on-line and we would be able to "add to basket" the challenges, disabilities, ethnic and religious backgrounds we are looking for. I think my husband is pretty convinced this joke might be responsible for our delay. It goes without saying, I did not make this joke this time around. As the worker closed with "Do you have any more questions?" I was very impressed with both of us for biting our tongues and not asking "So, when are we going to get our kids?"

In our post-interview "debrief" on the drive home, I commented to my husband that I was glad to be working with this particular worker, she seemed very nice and accommodating but I did not think she would  "get" my sense of humour. Without skipping a beat, he responded with a "nope" and then followed that up with: "No jokes. Whatever you do, fight every instinct you have." What I have done is started a private collection of letters to "our" children that I will be able to share with them when they are adults - just as I have done with our son. This is where I will "hide" all my jokes for this part of the journey because, certainly, by the time they reach adulthood, all our kids will "get" my sense of humour.

The "Expectant" Family at Christmas...

Like many families, we love Christmas around here. We take the day to decorate the tree and the house, watch cheesy Christmas movies (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation now that our son is a tween) and just enjoy being a family. Like a typical female, I love the Christmas shopping. And as the lone female in the house, this activity can be pretty lonely. It's not about getting "stuff" but just about finding things - regardless of the cost - that will make my loved ones smile. I take particular joy in the stocking stuffers - trying to keep within a budget but move beyond the standard toiletries and socks. Every year since he was born, our son has received an ornament which represents something which was important to him in

the past year - whether that be a family vacation, an accomplishment or something he was "crazy" about. My goal has always been that, when he has his own family, he will have these ornaments and these memories to share with them.

As we sit in limbo waiting for our home study, it is hard not think about our "kids." When you are pregnant at Christmas, you think about the new little person who will be joining your family next year and how different your Christmas will be. With adoption, what dawned on me as I was Christmas shopping, is that our "little person" or "persons" are already out there - somewhere - about to celebrate Christmas. It is a strange feeling to realize that "our" children are already celebrating Christmases and will, hopefully, be hanging stockings, visiting Santa and exchanging presents with their current family. Will they have their own special ornaments? Is their Christmas a special time or a lonely time? As sad as I am not to share this Christmas with "our"children, I hope and pray that their Christmas is special.

So, as I wander around the shops, it is hard not to wonder what our family will look like next year. Will I be buying one special ornament or two, three, four?  Will I still be the lone female shopper or will I have one or two "helpers"?